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Finding Confidence and Self-Love

Writer's picture: Danielle ParkerDanielle Parker




All my life, I was told that I was a miserable sinner and that I shouldn’t think too highly of myself because I was a lowly worm. I was taught to be grateful and to thank God daily for loving me and allowing me to live. This isn’t exactly the best way to grow up with any sense of confidence or self-love. Being a woman in the evangelical church meant I was second class, valuable only for what I could offer to a man or my future children.

I’ve always been a rebel. If it wasn’t outward rebellion, I struggled internally. I usually walked the line, behaved well, and did all the "right" things. Not with my parents, though. I had a serious attitude with them. I struggled to reconcile my feelings—how could I love them and also feel angry and resentful at the same time?

In my family, the women often talked about weight and appearance. My grandmother would tell me that black was slimming and flattering, while my other grandmother would pat my stomach and ask if I’d gained weight. Needless to say, I had poor body image for most of my life. I wasn’t a fat kid, but I was stockier and more developed than my peers. I was constantly told to cover up because it was my responsibility not to cause men to stumble into lustful thoughts. Ironically, I secretly hoped that one day a man would have those thoughts about me—that I’d feel desired and beautiful.

I’ve always loved color. When I was 16-18, it was the early 2000s—ugly fashion, to say the least. I always looked older than I was, especially in how I dressed. I loved bold colors and patterns but didn’t think I should stand out too much because "big girls should wear black to look slim." As I grew older, I struggled with anxiety and depression. My family had various disordered eating habits, and I used food to numb myself. I didn’t know how to stop eating once I started, and I sometimes binged. My weight increased rapidly, and I developed adult acne and facial hair, likely due to undiagnosed PCOS. Depression consumed me, and I kept eating.

Eventually, a friend and I joined Weight Watchers, which helped me learn about food, but like most diets, I fell off. My weight has fluctuated over the years, but that’s neither here nor there. Slowly, I decided to climb out of my depression and started dating through a dating app at 24. That was an experience—a learning process I’ll tell you about later.

This was the beginning of discovering who I was as a woman outside of the church’s expectations. I learned to dance, dated, traveled, and met people. I began to bloom. Self-love wasn’t an arrival—it’s been a journey. There have been many things that helped me along the way, and I hope sharing them will help you, too.

1. Experimenting with FashionTrying out new styles and seeing how they make me feel has been transformative. Do bold patterns make me feel happy? Does this outfit make me feel sexy and confident? Once I let go of the idea that everything I wore had to be flattering, I found freedom. Bright patterns, wide-leg pants, big shirts, short shorts—whatever made me feel good. Dressing for myself instead of the male gaze was liberating. Yes, I love wearing a figure-hugging dress to feel sexy, but I also adore baggy, colorful athleisure.

2. Taking SelfiesPeople criticize this generation for being narcissistic, but taking selfies has been empowering. Documenting when I feel happy, inspired, or beautiful creates memories. Post it on social media if you want—share your joy. I’ve reached a level of confidence where I’ll even post makeup-free selfies at unflattering angles. My challenge to you: Can you take a picture in a bathing suit? Can you post it? Or a picture with no makeup? Stop presenting a perfect version of yourself; embrace your multifaceted, imperfect self. If someone doesn’t support you, find better friends.

3. Doing Things AloneGo to a movie alone, have dinner alone, or take a solo trip. For a long time, I was too scared, but now I cherish my own company. I even traveled to Costa Rica alone! It was an incredible experience that taught me how resourceful I am. What’s something that scares you to do alone? Go do it—it’s one more step up the staircase of self-confidence and self-love.

4. Finding Active JoysI discovered a love for salsa dancing and even joined a dance team. Dancing has taken me around the world. I also developed a passion for exercise, which shocked me since I hated it growing up. Now, my body and mind crave movement. Whether it’s walking, yoga, pilates, or weight training, I’m grateful my body allows me to move. I even became a certified group fitness instructor and personal trainer. Representation matters, and seeing trainers with normal or bigger bodies can be life-changing. Find movement you enjoy—it’s worth it.

5. Trying New ThingsTake a dance class, perform at an open mic night, or try a new hobby. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. If you hate it, you never have to do it again, but you might discover something you love.

Final ThoughtsLife is about the journey. Every day, you have the privilege to grow and change. Buy that insanely patterned outfit, take boudoir photos, or try a bold hairstyle. Get off the couch and stop doom-scrolling social media. Change your life. You won’t regret loving people, loving yourself, traveling, or laughing too hard. What you’ll regret is not doing those things. No RAGRETS—not even one. 😊

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